“Cha tao”, a ceremonial tea practice that helps cultivate loving presence. (Photo credit: Sergey Norkov, Unsplash)
The Value of Empathy
Human interaction can feel easy and joyful, uncomfortable, or even occasionally toxic. When a friend is upset with you, you may feel the best way to relate is to argue or withdraw from them. Or, if you are a more empathic person, you may try to see the world through their eyes.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. “I feel for you” is what you are saying to someone when you offer them empathy. In a world where people rarely slow down long enough to connect, empathy can be a way for you to show people that you care about them.
But is empathy the best way to be loving?
While empathy can improve your relationships, presence can transform them. Presence does not require you to understand anyone’s feelings other than your own. Presence is something you can offer anyone, regardless of whether or not you share the same gender, race, social status, opinions, prior traumas, legal convictions, political views, or limiting beliefs. Presence is the root of love.
Meditation on the lake, from The Beautiful Collision by James Dwyer.
What Is Presence?
Google defines presence as the state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing. What does that even mean?
Simply stated, presence is YOU… being you. It’s being in the here and now with everything that arises inside of you. It is the integration of your body, mind, and spirit into a quality of active awareness. Presence with another person is maintaining this quality of being across from them.
Imagine you are having a tense relationship moment. Presence is welcoming in your experience of tension. Imagine having a distracting thought while you are trying to offer someone empathy. Presence is noticing the thought. Presence could even be feeling nothing at all when someone shares a sad story. In that moment, presence could appear as stillness. Or maybe a hidden feeling of shame for not being “empathic enough” to feel sad.
Here’s a little secret: the core premise of empathy (seeing the world through another person’s eyes) is technically impossible. Empathy is often rooted in a desire to calm or soothe other people by offering them “support”. This is actually a form of violence, and can harm your relationships. Presence is accepting the totality of your experience — in a way that causes those around you to relax into their own.
The Power of Presence
Presence is perhaps best illustrated with a little story from my life. It shows how presence can transform a truly terrifying moment, and why empathy can backfire as broken feelings, or worse… a broken hand.
I used to host a Friday night music jam at my house. One evening Steve came by (not his real name, but to honor his privacy let’s call him that). Lots of musicians used to roll through back in those days, and I’d never seen Steve before. He was built like a small linebacker and had a slightly off-kilter sense of humor.
I was in the bathroom during a break when it happened. I heard loud yelling outside followed by what sounded like a crash. I ran out to find our bassist leaning in pain against the wall, clutching at his hand. He said Steve had gotten into an argument with another musician, and because our bass player is deeply kind (he worked at a Buddhist retreat center for many years), he tried to calm Steve down. Steve got more agitated and shoved the bass player to the ground, breaking his hand. Steve then ran off.
Moments later, we were tending to the bass player’s hand in the kitchen when we felt the room shake a bit. This wasn’t an earthquake. This was Steve, back outside, pounding on the kitchen door so hard I thought he would break down our wall. “LET ME IN!!”, he was yelling, at a fever pitch.
My friends all high tailed it into another room, while one went to call the police. I remained in the kitchen, peering through the window. I saw Steve’s chest puffed up, his eyes wild with rage. It felt like this situation was at a tipping point. Things were about to get really ugly, really fast.
“Tis some visitor”, I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door…”
Letting People In
I believe that when someone is yelling loudly, they often have a profound need for presence. People can yell, insult you, or say a wide range of things. Ultimately, it may all boil down to a simple request: “let me in.” People are often yelling because they aren’t sure you can hear them. They may also be yelling because they’ve stopped listening to themselves.
When people are upset with you, they want you to feel it. And when people are upset in general, they may need your help so that they can feel it, too.
Across from Steve’s rage, I felt fear. I also felt a certain sense of stillness. I didn’t want things to get worse, so I offered him a small dose of my presence. “Steve”, I shared. “Everyone in this house is really scared of you right now. I am feeling really scared too. Is that what you want?”
What happened next was so profound that I will never forget it. Steve’s whole demeanor changed. His shoulders rounded and he stopped pounding on the door. The rage washed away from his eyes as he considered my question. He stammered as he replied in rapidly decreasing volume. “I know!! I don’t want that! This is so f’d up. No one understands me…”. His voice trailed off as he looked like he was about to break down in tears.
I opened the door as Steve nearly collapsed into my arms. We walked hand in hand to the kitchen table, where he opened up to me about his life. He was vulnerable and open with me as he shared some of his recent struggles in life. He expressed profound regret at having harmed our bass player, even if it was largely by accident. The police came, and by the time they did, our house was so calm that they weren’t sure why anyone had called them. No one got arrested. The bass player got medical attention for his broken hand. The two ultimately made amends and became better friends.
Feel Your Feelings
My friend Tsahai, one of my greatest teachers about human relationships, shared a deep insight with me the other day. I am planning a trip to Japan. Tsahai was expressing sadness that I might be leaving, as we have become close personal friends. I began to feel somewhat conflicted as I realized that pursuing my dreams might have a negative impact on someone I cared about. I began to kind of shut down in a way, feeling like I didn’t have the freedom to really experience the pure joy of my dream.
As I began to withdraw emotionally in the conversation, Tsahai got quiet and still and asked me a couple very simple questions about my experience. Tsahai has spent her life cultivating presence, so talking with her can be a uniquely comforting and grounding experience. As she got more still, I began to get more still too. I found myself looking a little bit deeper inside of myself, and came to understand why I was feeling upset. With this awareness, I was able to share it with her and we were able to ultimately turn it into a moment of positive connection.
I asked Tsahai what she does during challenging conversations. Her reply was surprisingly simple. “I feel my feelings.”
“Feeling your feelings” may not be the only thing you need to do to be loving with other people. However, it is a hugely useful first step. If we bypass our feelings and go straight to offering empathy, we will likely end up causing more harm than good. Your job is not to fix or help other people. Your job is to be yourself, in connection with another person.
A portrait of the artist as a young man.
Let’s Toast to That
In May (just next week… wow!) I am opening up a small tea shop near downtown Santa Cruz called Service. Service is not your traditional tea shop. At Service, I won’t be selling tea or teaware. If you want that, I heartily recommend Hidden Peak downtown, which is one of the most amazing teahouses in the known universe. Service is a humble little spot in my backyard where I’ll be offering curated “cha tao” tea ceremonies to the community by donation.
Cha tao is a zen-based traditional which I feel is like raising a toast to your heart! At Service, we’ll serve you some of the finest tea in the world. You’ll get to enjoy a simple practice that can help you connect more deeply with others, with yourself, and with nature. Get Service by appointment or drop-in for our weekly gatherings. We love sharing tea in community too.
Add a note in the comments if you’d like to learn more about how to get your own little taste of the magic. I look forward to raising a cup together!
Your Daily Dose… in your inbox!
Your Daily Dose is a semi-weekly newsletter with small tips and life hacks for optimizing your wellbeing, improving your creativity, and tapping into the magic that is YOU. Subscribe for free to get Your Daily Dose in your inbox, and enjoy a brief pick-me-up to super charge your day. Hey, it’s cheaper than a microdose and healthier than a cup of coffee! What could you do with Your Daily Dose?